I guess I'm starting a journal.

I was going to type this on Microsoft Word for my own personal usage, but I guess I'll use this instead, since rarely anyone ever reads it.

Dear Blog,
I'm thirteen. Almost a woman, and yet still unable to let go of childish innocence. I wish I could stay this age forever. Yet this is the age where love is infatuation, and infatuation is the fuel to the drama in every day of our lives.
I think how sad it is that we grab onto this little piece of life and refuse to let it go, when there is so much more in life to pursue than some silly little crush. But in this way, I am hypocritical, for I also find it quite fascinating.
Sometimes I imagine little tinsy bits of stories going around, as if I could picture what would happen in a few years. In truth, perhaps I am tortured by the fact that I can not predict the future, as much as I want to be able to.
I am currently tortured by the fact that I'm not even sure what to do with my life. There are so many choices, each leading to a different ending... but maybe that is why it's so great to be a child. No burdens, no worries, just life. I think childhood is truly the only time in life that we actually live. After that... it's just an endless pattern of doing the same things over and over again, every single day...
Which is why I believe that maybe the only reason people invent drama is to entertain themselves. They like to believe there is something more to see then there actually is, and perhaps they are right. I just don't like how people like to invent bad things, terrible things to say about others. Gossip. Why can't we invent good things? I like movies that are funny. That may be one of the only ways that drama is good, when drama does not harm others.
I could maybe start a little dramatic scene of my own, right now. Tell me, what would you do if I suddenly said that I had a crush on someone? Would you say, "Eh, okay, I don't care," but still would be curious to find out who it is. Would you get excited and jump for joy, while thinking of ways to worm the answer out of me? Or would you perhaps think, "Oh, maybe I know who it is..."

Currently, I think everyday when I see them, "Could I ever be with one of them?" The person of my interest, he seems to be best friends with a girl he met only a couple of weeks ago, a month at most. It kills me to see how they can be such great friends, yet perhaps I'll never be that close to him. I wonder if we'll ever be together like that, after all I've said that could possibly have irritated him.
Then there is another person, who is so kind to me, ever so kind. Truth to be told, when I first laid eyes on him, I was actually quite frightened. His stare was so indifferent, so without warmth, I was very wary to talk to him. It seems like now, after several weeks of getting to know each other, that we are friends. His sister and I, why I love her. She is incredible. And him, well I wouldn't mind if we were ever together. It might be kind of awkward at first, but I'm sure we could be wonderful.
Then there is the third, who I know would not fit me at all, I find myself wanting to talk to him. He is so blunt. He says thing in such a fashion that I could not possibly keep from laughing. I know for a fact that I am not of interest to him, and yet it doesn't pain me as it pains the first person I was talking about. To this person, he is like my brother in such a way that if we were ever to date, I think I would throw up at the thought. I may have used to call him attractive, but now to use those words to describe him would be the same as saying that my own brother was "hot." It is rather revolting to think about that.
And I know what you might be thinking. "Who could this be?" You may have guesses, but I assure you, you probably would not be able to guess the first two. They don't go to our school. And the third, well, only my closest friends would be able to guess him, for we don't exactly speak during school regularly, and I certainly don't show him much affection when I see him in real life.
And now you can see how love and infatuation has tortured me. Three men in my life that I could possibly like, although it's more narrowed down to two. The third person, he doesn't really count. And it tortures me even so because the two, they are best friends! If I show any affection to either, the other might be hurt, because I like to think that I am equal friends to the two, and I would wish most for it to stay that way.
So I stand, faking smiles and laughs, having fun, when deep down inside I am thinking of these terrible things. Horrible, isn't it? To be so confused, yet forbidding myself to think of liking one of the other.
I've been forbidding myself to even consider liking someone. I just don't want to be back into that circle of obsessiveness. No, no siree. I refuse.