Bandorchestra... once again

Today, I finally got the guts to call Mr. Hoyt after nearly a week, and guess what? He said that Emma was gonna switch A days between the two. Band is A day 3rd period. One A day she will go to band and other to orchestra.

He said I could do the same if I wanted to. Or drop one, if I preferred. It was so sudden, this offer... I didn't know.

Thoughts were rushing through my head... if I did decide to do this arrangement, I would have to bring my flute in every other A day. I would have to bring my flute 1-2 times a week instead of 2-3. But... it might falter my grades for both classes because of attendance... And I would have to take lessons for both. I'm taking a lot of advanced classes this year, and I don't think I can handle that... especially if I had Mrs. Camp and her hard-core teaching. I would have to practice every single day too. Practicing violin and piano is enough! I COULD practice only on weekends... but how is that going to help my situation?

I prepared myself so much for the day that I would have to face Mrs. Dodge and Mr. Hoyt and say that I wouldn't be taking band. And now, it's like a punch in the face. BAM! Another choice. I was so prepared to let go of the lying about my practice times... I wanted to let go of practicing completely. Am I really ready to play another year of the instrument I despised so much, just so I could be a part of a group that I wanted to be in, just to play songs that I enjoyed? Am I really ready to play another YEAR of the book that was so boring and seemed pointless?

Mr. Hoyt said we could give it a shot. And if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But I'm not the type of person who gives up so easily. Especially if there is already a strand of thread connecting. I hate giving in to myself, admitting that I can't do something. Even in swim practice, even if I feel like fainting or throwing up, I don't complain. I don't stop; I just do what they ask me to. I just... I've never thought of saying that I'm too tired or can't go any farther. Maybe it's my pride. I'm... such a selfish person for thinking this way, or for being so proud that I don't even realize it when I've exerted so much or gone all the way and can't go any farther. I don't know how far to push myself! Or when I can't push myself anymore!

I... just really want to cry. I /could/ have said that I just wanted to quit band. But... this... choice! It's a choice... my last chance. I prayed to the Lord that he would help me. But... not like this!

Sorry for dumping this thing of trouble on you readings, my faithful friends. But I hope you understand... it's a big deal to me.