My Personal Feelings

First off, I am going to make something clear: I am NOT going to confess my love (because everyone knows I love myself most! No, not really. I'm not that conceited. I just don't love love anyone.) I'm just going to explain my feelings... to people in general.

My feelings are very... subdued. No, that's not it. My way of expressing my feelings are ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS less than how I really feel for someone. So if I don't show anything... like, if I am very passive around people, that doesn't mean that I don't like you or anything. It could mean that I like you very much, it's just that I don't really show it. Then again, it could mean that I really don't like you. But you probably wouldn't be reading my blog if I didn't like you... so yeah.

On the other hand, if I do show my feelings for you, that must mean I REALLY like you. I'm usually like that with many of my closest friends.

But that's the thing. If I ever did "fall in love" with someone or you know, had a real crush (it's always been obsession before this) I wouldn't be able to show it. Unless he was one of my best friends and I really liked him (which I really hope so!) This characteristic of mine will probably be my "fatal" flaw (don't know about fatal... I don't think I'm going to DIE just because I can't get a boyfriend before high school) in getting a boyfriend, let alone a husband. I'm so worried I'll have to live my life alone... without ever getting a husband...

Okay, I'm a little young to think about that. I can always live with my parents right? Haha, psh.

Anyways, the whole point is, if I don't show much enthusiasm when you arrive at someplace or when you say "Hi Cindy!" or whenever I see you or talk to you, that doesn't necessarily mean I don't like you. It could be tiredness, a number of other reasons, or simply my personality. Or simply because I don't like you. Okay?

But then again, maybe I'm faking my liking you... Maybe I'm faking... whoa, I never thought of that. I've never really thought of faking my affections for anyone! Jk jk I have. But usually when I'm tired, so technically I'm not faking. I'm just honestly trying to do what I would normally do.

I love you all! *hugs*

Morning Show

As many of you may know, I am on the Morning Show this year! Hooray!

Ritti, sorry, Doodler is in homeroom 409. And so is Rina Larson, Liam Kane, and Olivia Kneller. I would be, but of course, me and my evil plans spoiled that. Don't worry; my homeroom is in 206/208.

Of course, on this homeroom topic, we have the LOCKER topic. That's right kids! The LOCKER TOPIC. It's Thursday and Mr. Priola sent the names in on TUESDAY and they STILL HAVEN'T FLIPPIN' FIXED IT! MY LOCKER IS STILL ON THE 4TH FLOOR!

So today, I went to see if they fixed it or not, and of course, it wasn't. But she gave me a new locker, except it's NEAR THE BAND ROOM instead of NEAR THE GYM! So everyday I will be surrounded by phony sixth graders who I know NOTHING about, and I will be separated from my dearest Laura, Zoe, Cara, Julia, Nadia, Sammy, Kyle, and those other seventh graders! Okay, maybe the guys aren't THAT dear, but... you probably know what I mean. I'm separated from my peers! And of course, my dear Laura, Zoe, Cara, Julia... Okay, I think you get it.

Now I'm sad. *teary-eyed* I want to be next to Laura! Even though my locker at the moment is next to the band room, close to the orchestra room, and close enough to the morning show... but that hallway is so COLD in the winter! I'll freeze to death.

*cries* I cannot be your knight, Laura! *bows humbly and sadly and trips*

Airguns

Why is no one else posting on their blog? You make me mad. *is mad*

Anyways, my dad has recently picked up shooting. I mean, not like, killing. Like the sport. So he bought a bunch of BBs, and has an airgun now. What caught my attention was the warning on the side.

WARNING:
AIRGUNS ARE NOT TOYS. MISUSE OR CARELESS USE MAY CAUSE SERIOUS INUJURY OR DEATH. BE CAREFUL - SHOOT SAFELY.

This got me thinking... it sounds like a mom or something. "Be Careful." Sheesh. Why make BBs in the first place if they don't want us to die? Isn't violence bad?

Whatever. Our world is doomed. End of story.

journal

By the way, if you haven't already, please read this Journal Post posted by me.

Don't worry, it's perfectly safe. And I assure you, it was posted by me. You might actually find it amusing!!

http://xdeepdivex.deviantart.com/journal/20065222/

Thanks. =D

Graphing Calculator

School shopping! Yay!

Most people would groan. Grr, school. I pretty much did the same thing. What really set me fuming was that when we did go, we didn't get a graphing calculator. At least, not the kind that was asked.

At first, all went well. The TI-84 plus silver edition was $94.00. I mean, holy smokes, NINETY-FOUR DOLLARS. That's a whole flippin' lot! Nevertheless, my parents, who love me very much, said I could buy it because it was school-related.

Then my brother decided to tell me that in high school, you need the TI-89 or TI-91 (the latter is only available in Canada, apparently.) So that set me thinking, Should I get the TI-89 now and save money later? Or should I get the TI-84 now and spend another $142.00 later?

My parents remembered that at home, we had a TI-83 (no silver). They thought that there was basically no difference, and my brother told them there really wasn't any, except that the TI-83 was slower.

I was so mad because they expected me to use the TI-83 all through high school. ALL THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL. What is their problem? At least get me a good graphing calculator FOR high school!

So my parents wanted me to ask Mrs. Rigney if I could use the TI-83 (no silver!!!) for 8th grade and if it was the same functions. I mean, it LOOKS the same, but who knows? The buttons might do different things. As things happened, they basically pressured me until I agreed to ask. I wasn't very happy. I mean, we were THERE already at the store. Do we have to come back, again???

But that's not what set me off. I wasn't in the best mood, and I didn't feel like talking to anyone. BUT as people misunderstand (as they usually do) my family thought I needed some convincing about the whole calculator thing. All I wanted to do was keep silent and to myself for a few minutes. And my dad goes into this frenzy of "It's not like we're not going to buy it for you; just ask!" repeatedly. My brother kept following me and saying how I should see where my parents were coming from. I DO see where my parents were coming from. I just wanted to have some time to myself, okay?!

Then he starts swearing at me in front of all these people (my parents were in a different aisle), "Shut the fuck up you fucking little bitch. Who the fuck do you think you are?"

My brother is turning 20 on September 12.

I did feel a little uncomfortable in front of all those people, so I walked away from him. It didn't feel like much at first. I guess it sank into my subconscious mind because during the day, I felt more and more irritated until I told my mom (after dinner) and snapped. I mean, my brother has called me a lot of mean names, like goat, cunt, pig, bitch, and various others. He's sworn at me, too. That wasn't recently, though. And not in front of all those innocent old-lady shoppers. So I snapped.

And here I am, posting about this unfortunate event. My brother has always been a little immature and hasn't sorted his priorities out in life yet. He has a good heart. But obviously he's really bad at handling relationships because you do not, and I mean DO NOT SWEAR TO YOUR FAMILY MEMBERS. YOU DON'T EVEN SWEAR TO YOUR FRIENDS. WTH????????????????????????????????????????????

By the way, that stood for "What the heck" and not "What the hell." Although the latter does have a better ring to it... but I do not like swearing. It's mean, and calling other people names is mean too. They're CURSE words. Are you really going to curse someone and make them feel bad? I'm not. There are a whole bunch of other English words that sound weird and funny that you can use to express your feelings to other people. And the next time someone says something that you find offending but it's not supposed to be mean, remember that it's better than having them swear at your face. Especially if they're your friends or family. At least, most of the time.

Praying

I am going to post something really really deep. Yes, I am going to post about God.

Growing up (I'm still growing), I have never actually gone to church on a regular basis. In Toronto, it's quite rare to find anyone that actually goes to church. Hence, the term "God" didn't have as much of an impact on my life. When I moved to the US however, left and right there were people talking about God and about our "Holy Lord" as if He was the center of their lives. Naturally, I was very confused. 9 years of "No-God" and BAM! God!

It has only come to my mind recently to pray to God. For a while a few weeks ago, I've started praying before I go to bed. I would sit on my bed, on my knees and pray. At first, I would pray that my friends would be safe on vacation and make it home safely. I would thank God about the lucky things that I have in my life.

Then I became selfish and started praying about what I wanted or didn't want to have.

I prayed that I would see Dan one last time in Barracudas and that he would be safe on his vacation or if he was sick, he would get better. (He and his brothers were out for nearly a week.) And the next day at barracudas... he was there. Just him. His brothers weren't there... but he was. I was really surprised but happy.

I got food poisoning in Toronto a few days ago. My dad and I were eating at this seafood restaurant with his friend. After... well... I was throwing up (really badly), having mild diarrhea (but still needing to go), and just felt really sick. What's worse, we went to the CN Tower that night, and I felt so sick I couldn't even stand for very long. I didn't get to go on the glass floor. Sorry Jack... I think I still have a fear of heights. We were going to stay and go to Marineland the day after, but I was so sick... We went straight home. On the way, I felt sick again. My stomach hurt so much! The pain is indescribable (someone check spelling... nevermind. I don't care.) We stopped at a parking lot. I prayed that I would feel better. I didn't want to feel that bad. My dad found medicine in his bag, and after I swallowed it, I felt much better and fell asleep. We stayed at the parking lot for the night.

And for so long, I was praying that wouldn't get Mrs. Camp. Praying so much... and today, I found out that I don't have her!

After a lot of praying and things that happened, I must say that I am lucky. I'm so glad that God listened to my prayers. Or perhaps it was as fate would have it...

The thing is, I've been thinking. A lot of people believe in God and have an image of Him, but He can't look like how everyone thinks! Or else He'd look like a smudged puddle. I'm certain that God does not look like a smudged puddle.

That's why I have a theory... Everyone has their own God. Because even though if the stereotypical God is magical, I doubt that He can listen to all of our prayers and curses (sorry, but I'm sure it happens!) at the same time. Even though my theory may not be true, I guess it's what I believe in. Each God is different, because each person is different. I'm so glad that my God listens to me and judges for me. I am happy.

Well... that's my deepness of the day. Sorry. =|

A Jumble of Random Stuff

Hmm... where should I start? I shall go in chronological order...

A few days ago

I had a dream about Matt. I know how weird that is, because I don't even like him. It was our school, but one of those orientations? I don't know why I was at an orientation because I have been at the middle school for the past 2 years, and this is my 3rd year. Anyways, I forgot my locker and locker combination. Haha, how dumb is that? On the first day. Then I saw Matt who was a "hall monitor," and I asked for my locker and combination because I forgot it, and apparently he knew everyone's locker combination and locker number. He wrote it down, and I had to find my locker. The school was really weird too... the hallways were all different. Me and my creative dreams. Wow.

Yesterday

Swim season started yesterday! It was actually an easy practice compared to what we usually do. It's just going to get harder and harder though...

I don't even know why I swim. I've been around water since I was born. There was a pool behind our apartment in Massachusetts. I started taking lessons and swimming on a swim team when I was 5. I was really slow. I sucked, to say.

Then slowly, after all these years, I made it on the JV team in 7th grade. I still suck. I mean, there's this girl on Varsity in 8th grade, and she's only been swimming since 5th grade. That's 3 years! 3 years and on Varsity! For me, SEVEN FLIPPIN' YEARS AND ONLY ON JV. What the heck? There is no other explanation except that I really suck at swimming, and it obviously isn't my talent or my sport. Except it's the only sport I feel comfortable doing because of all those years...

My dad wants me to go to the Olympics in London in 2012. PSH! I'm too old to start training for the Olympics. And plus, I'm really bad. And I don't want to train so hard... I mean, I would LOVE to just compete at the Olympic level. But it just isn't going to happen. Dream big. Yeah, right.

Michael Phelps is so fast! Why is he so fast??? He's like... inhuman. Wow. 8 gold medals. I'd be happy with just 1.

Headgear

forgive me for lack of good typing. I am eating a peach at the moment.

I am so happy. I went to the orthodontist yesterday, Dr. Damon, and he said that I was the best headgear wearer he has known! He says that I only have to wear it for another month! When I first got my headgear, he said that I would wear it maybe for a year. The shortest 6 months, probably.

It turns out that I only have to wear it for 3 months! THREE MONTHS!!! Two 6 week intervals, that is 3 months!!!

YAYAYAY!!! ONLY 45 MORE NIGHTS OF HEADGEAR! THEN I WILL NEVER HAVE TO BRING IT TO SLEEPOVERS OR WHATNOT, YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! and guess what? I'm getting it off on September 24, the day before my birthday! Hooray!!!!

Bandorchestra... once again

Today, I finally got the guts to call Mr. Hoyt after nearly a week, and guess what? He said that Emma was gonna switch A days between the two. Band is A day 3rd period. One A day she will go to band and other to orchestra.

He said I could do the same if I wanted to. Or drop one, if I preferred. It was so sudden, this offer... I didn't know.

Thoughts were rushing through my head... if I did decide to do this arrangement, I would have to bring my flute in every other A day. I would have to bring my flute 1-2 times a week instead of 2-3. But... it might falter my grades for both classes because of attendance... And I would have to take lessons for both. I'm taking a lot of advanced classes this year, and I don't think I can handle that... especially if I had Mrs. Camp and her hard-core teaching. I would have to practice every single day too. Practicing violin and piano is enough! I COULD practice only on weekends... but how is that going to help my situation?

I prepared myself so much for the day that I would have to face Mrs. Dodge and Mr. Hoyt and say that I wouldn't be taking band. And now, it's like a punch in the face. BAM! Another choice. I was so prepared to let go of the lying about my practice times... I wanted to let go of practicing completely. Am I really ready to play another year of the instrument I despised so much, just so I could be a part of a group that I wanted to be in, just to play songs that I enjoyed? Am I really ready to play another YEAR of the book that was so boring and seemed pointless?

Mr. Hoyt said we could give it a shot. And if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But I'm not the type of person who gives up so easily. Especially if there is already a strand of thread connecting. I hate giving in to myself, admitting that I can't do something. Even in swim practice, even if I feel like fainting or throwing up, I don't complain. I don't stop; I just do what they ask me to. I just... I've never thought of saying that I'm too tired or can't go any farther. Maybe it's my pride. I'm... such a selfish person for thinking this way, or for being so proud that I don't even realize it when I've exerted so much or gone all the way and can't go any farther. I don't know how far to push myself! Or when I can't push myself anymore!

I... just really want to cry. I /could/ have said that I just wanted to quit band. But... this... choice! It's a choice... my last chance. I prayed to the Lord that he would help me. But... not like this!

Sorry for dumping this thing of trouble on you readings, my faithful friends. But I hope you understand... it's a big deal to me.

Bandorchestra

I have a story to tell all of you! Now listen carefully... I'm a terrible and cheesy writer.

It was a warm afternoon, while Cindy was waiting to go to Barracudas, her swim club. Suddenly, a phone call started ringing.
"Hey, Dad, can you get that?" she said to her father. She sprawled herself across the top of her sofa.
"It's from the Brighton Central School District," her father handed the phone to her just as he pressed the "Talk" button. Cindy sighed and answered the phone.
"Hello?"
"Hi, is this Cindy?" a husky male voice asked. "This is Mr. Hoyt. How are you?"
Cindy blinked. Why was Mr. Hoyt calling? Did she get in trouble somehow... Did something happen to the school... did she have MRS. CAMP???? "Erm... good. How are you?"
"I'm good. I'm just calling to tell you that this year, there's a schedule conflict, and you can't take both orchestra AND band. And you're the only one who takes both. So you have to pick one."
Cindy was shocked. Pick one? The concept was so absolutely foreign that Cindy was confused. "Wait... huh?"
"You're the ONLY ONE out of... about 67 others. So talk it over with your parents and give me a call back, alright? Do you have a pencil to write down the number?"
"Er..." Cindy jumped up and grabbed a piece of loose paper and a pencil. "Yes, now I do."
Mr. Hoyt told Cindy the number. Cindy just had one question left. "Um... do you know... why I can't take both?"
"Why?" Mr. Hoyt sounded taken back. "Oh, it's because this year band and orchestra are at the same time. That's the only reason why. And you're the only one."
After the polite goodbyes, Cindy slumped down into a chair. Her mind felt numb and dizzy, as if she had a fever. She held her head in her hands. She couldn't even think. Pick one? Wasn't Emma in both? It must mean that she already quit one. Cindy could guess that Emma chose orchestra. But...
Barracudas sounded like a very good idea at the moment.

I can't BELIEVE I've gotta pick one! I...

Okay, here are the reasons why I want to stay in both:

Orchestra
PRO: Food at parties, lots of friends, take private lessons, in chamber, have 2 violins so doesn't have to bring a violin every other day, gonna continue in orchestra in high school anyways, parents like concerts
CON: homework, projects, not very many good/famous/popular songs, poor players

Band
PRO: Good songs, enjoy learning from Mrs. Dodge, lots of guys in band, lots of people in general, no homework, good players
CON: No time to practice, lessons are a waste of time, flute is boring

Here's my situation: I would have quit band in high school anyways because I am told that I'm not allowed to play both. I take private lessons for violin, so I am obviously more advanced in that instrument. I don't want to hurt Mrs. Dodge's feelings. She's a great person, and I still have questions for her. Like, namely, did she have Dan in middle school/was he good/what did he play? Although I could just ask Samantha or someone else for that information. She has a brother in high school that's in the same grade as Dan.

I just don't want any hard feelings! I love Mrs. Dodge as a band director!

Holy Lord or whoever is up there, please help!

time trials

today was time trials for Barracudas... hooray! Good to know that I dropped 4 seconds in the 100 freestyle... but slowed down in everything else. xP

BUT! Today... Dan was there! His family hasn't been there in a couple of days... maybe he was on vacation. Or they're all too lazy. Who knows. It was... a blessing. Seriously, he is so ridiculously good looking. It's like that movie, you know, Zoolander? "There's more to life than being absolutely insanely RIDICULOUSLY good-looking." haha.

We did 3 laps on the track, then did 50 crunches, 30 leg levers each side, 20 pushups... and we played a game! Just to spite Aoi (Naa-chan's sister) I suggested Duck duck goose. Dan's immediate reaction was, "Nooo!" We ended up playing Spud. It was a lot of fun. When my number was called, I almost caught the ball, but I fumbled and dropped it, and it rolled away. It rolled toward Mark so by the time I caught up with it, Mark was a very clear target.

Then came the time trials. We each had to do FIVE events! And 2 of them had to be 100's. AT LEAST. So I ended up doing 50 free, 100 free, 100 back, and 200 IM. (I got Mr. Vick to acknowledge the 200 as 2 events, hehe) Needless to say, I was kinda (okay very) tired.

Then we could dive off the diving boards! I first did a normal dive with a hurdle. Mr. Vick didn't believe that I could do a back fall-in/back dive, so I had to dive again for him. I went so far down, that I almost drowned when I tried to come up for water. I couldn't breathe!!! It's like that song, "No Air". How can I breathe with no air?? I'm under water!!!

It was awesome. Thank you our Holy Lord for letting me see Dan today. Please let me see him next week as well. That ridiculously good-looking guy is so hot. Amen and thank you again.

He has Facebook for those who were interested. I've never posted his real name, but if you really want to know you can IM me. (Gosh he is sooooooooooooooo good-looking. I always thought he reminded me of Leonardo DiCaprio. Haha)

Don't worry, I don't LIKE like him. He's... admirable, I guess. A good person. You know how the people you admire naturally draw you toward them? Like you want to be just like them, and you want to be near them...? I guess that's how it is. Hehe.

Er...

Please check out my DeviantART. If I am not posting any blog stuff, it's probably because I'm posting on my deviantART. Although I draw very poorly, I would most definitely appreciate it if you looked at my artwork. x) I love you all!

Again, my link:

http://xdeepdivex.deviantart.com

scary dream

I had another scary dream yesterday. Actually, the first dream I had was a weird but nice dream. It was about Danny. xD

Danny or Dan, however you like to call him, has this really deep voice (although it's not as deep as Mitch's, lol). So in my dream, I asked him to sing for me. And he went to his basement to practice. And he sounded exactly like David Archuleta/David Cook (can't remember which one, however it sounded really good). Ah, the joys of singing. xD

For some reason, we were like, a "couple" even though he's at least 3 years older than me and in high school. My mom was like, "I knew you two would get along, except that your fathers are archenemies..." I think it was because I was reading Son of the Mob by Gordon Korman. It's like a modern Romeo and Juliet story... except not. It's cool. So me and Dan are Romeo and Juliet.

.... Okay that isn't cool at all. I don't even talk to him! And he barely talks to anyone at swimming except Mr. Vick and Oren. Not cool.

Except he is really good-looking... but I won't get into that. xD

Then I woke up, and lay in bed for an hour. Lol. I fell asleep again and had the scariest dream. Okay, it's not THAT scary, but it was pretty scary in the dream. It was like one of those fantasy and sci-fi and horror movies. Before I go on, you must promise not to make fun of me. I have no idea and no control over my dreams. I'm going to leave last names out.

This dream was about an unknown force of magic and aliens or whatever that control the human mind and body. It's like they brainwash you, and you become their minion or whatever. And it was my job to stop them and restore peace. How cliche. But yes, that's basically what it was about.

I was running down this hallway that resembled one of those hospital hallways: like fluorescent lights, no windows, that kinda thing. And there were no people. Just me, running down this silent hallway. However, it was our school. And for some reason, I had magical powers. I could fly! And teleport... but in dreams you automatically have the power to teleport to random places you don't know about, so that doesn't really count.

Anyways, somehow I found myself in the dark and dank basement that glowed a dark blue. Michael L was there with Caitlin because they were in charge of the school store. (but it was different from our normal school store. Instead of just a rectangle counter, it was one of those counters that go all the way around the cashier, like a square, you know? Like the ones the have in malls... Well whatever, that doesn't matter.) Mike acknowledged me with a, "Hey" and went on with his business with Caitlin.

Then I ran out of there again, and I was riding the elevator upstairs. This elevator had a weird door. You had to push the door to get out; it was like a flappy door thing. And I only had about 3 seconds to get out or else the elevator would start moving again. So I pushed the door and appeared in the elevator wing. Do you know how in hotels, elevators have this little wing connected to a hallway? It was like that, except the wing part that was blocked and disconnected from the hallway with cabinets. The doors were wooden, but if you opened the cabinet, the back was glass. I found a note written by Murie for Alice. It said something like:

To Alice From MuRie
Do not go in this cabinet! You will never come out!

I stood there kinda confused with the cabinet door open. Just then, I saw through the glass backing of the cabinet Payson walking by. In this dream, he thought that the school was a mall with a bunch of stores. Next thing I knew, I was at the library. Except the library wasn't where it is in real life; it was where Mr. Occhino's room is, outside the auditorium? Where Mr. Ranney's old room was in 6th grade. Then I saw Payson coming up the stairs going, "This place is weird. It's got magic. We should check the stores out." Except I knew that was a bad idea, because I sensed that it was bad magic. And this library, it had a lot of rooms. Like, not one big library. It had like 3 little libraries! It was weird. (I said that about a bajillion times)

This lady walked into one of the library rooms, and for some reason, that triggered a thought that made me realize that we should run. I grabbed Payson and high-tailed it out of there. We were on the street running to my house when I heard this computerized voice going, "Cindy _____ and Payson ________ have escaped. Kill Cindy and her parents immediately. Mwuahaha. They didn't even thank us!"

Naturally, I was like, "Noo!" when I remembered my parents were in Florida. Just then, Madi came from behind us and said, "Cindy! Payson!" except she looked kinda different... then I knew she was one of those evil people whose mind was boggled and corrupted. Obviously, Payson didn't realize this, because they acted like they were old friends. For some reason, in this dream, if you touch one of those corrupted people, you get infected and there's a very big chance you become evil too. Madi was trying to get in some sort of physical contact with Payson like poking or something, but I shot a spell at her. (I can't remember what, it sounded really weird and really cool though) Then I grabbed Payson and started flying.

Dream ended.

DISCLAIMER: The people in this dream have NOTHING to do with anything! They did not get hurt, or taken over by any unknown force as stated, so don't hold it against them or me! Blame it on my dream catcher for these weird dreams.

I'm sorry, you probably didn't understand it. Hey, it's a dream, alright? As for the Dan dream... I'm pretty sure he's a vampire. xD So much more attractive than "Sexy" Mitch... lol